Severed




The emotional shit-storm of high school.
It was the best I could do.
You wanted to see a real storm of shit? No? Then shush.



Dear readers,

I have a favour to ask.

I keep waking up at sparrow’s fart.

What even is that? Do sparrows fart? I’ve never heard one, have you? Would it be very loud? Sparrows’ arses must be very small, wouldn’t you think?

And while we’re at it with stupid sayings, why do we call someone a “something extraordinaire”?

A “blogger extraordinaire”.

A “saxophonist extraordinaire”.

Like, someone can be a “blogger ordinaire”, or a “saxophonist ordinaire”?

Where was I?

Ah yes. Sparrow’s fart. At this time of the month I’m always awake early. Which is just fabulous.*

Human creatures crave connections. As a species we’re social, like our primate neighbours. We naturally tend towards grouping together, fitting in and feeling that others understand us. That craving for connectedness – the need to feel an emotional connection to another – is wonderful and terrible.

I was bullied at school (and later at university), picked on, harassed and generally made fun of, because I didn’t fit in.

I was a freak, different, weird.

I WANTED to fit in. Desperately.

So what happens when you’re denied connectedness when you need it most? You either grow a big fat denial gland and decide it’s not what you want, or you soldier on and try not to hurt too much.

My denial gland refuses to function so I soldiered on and learned that most things turn out for the best eventually. Looking back, I would have dealt with those bullies differently.

I’ve had bouts of Depression and Anxiety Disorder over the years. That’s hardly a brave revelation in these times of chronic over-sharing (hello I am the shameless QUEEN of this).

Currently I’m officially well, which is quite wonderful.

This current bout of wellness has unearthed a new challenge. For a week and a half every month, I become that anxious, horrible, aggressive person I am when I’m sick. I get PMT so badly now that for almost half the month I’m someone else. I’m Hormone Helen.

I lose that feeling of connectedness, of belonging. The walls close in. To me, it seems that everyone is having wonderful conversations without me. Everyone has bazillions of wonderful, close friends that I don’t have. I feel excluded and worthless, my connection to everyone summarily cut off.

All my connections severed.


With ironic cruelty, the need for connectedness becomes immeasurably stronger, just at the time when it’s been severed.


I’m thrown back into the emotional shit-storm of high school crapulousness. I’m that weird kid again that almost everyone hates. I blather all over social media, trying to reconnect. I usually fail because HELLO when I’m like that I’m not good company. I’m flat out crazy (and not in my usual froggy way). The snake starts eating its own tail.

When Hormone Helen isn’t visiting, everything’s fine. So I know she lies, just like Depression lies, like Anxiety Disorder lies.

So I try to wait out this week and a half each month, hoping that I don’t become so horrible that everyone, including my family, finally decides enough is enough.

You may spot Hormone Helen on my Twitter feed now and then. Please say hi to her, give her a hug and then tell her to get the fuck off social media before she hurts herself.

Love,

The Frog – Chronic Over-Sharer Ordinaire

* This is a lie.

Comments

  1. In times of disconnect, try not to drift too far away. If you don’t loose sight of land you’ll be able o get back when the time comes.

  2. Oh hon I totally understand.
    For so many years I was the same. For two weeks out of every month I was a different person… who I really did not like.
    Dr put me on the pill to even out hormones and said I couldn’t be feeling PMT for two weeks at a time!!
    Made me feel even more alone.
    Over the years I tried many different natural remedies,acupuncture,along with on and off the pill and many more things trying to find help.
    Many of these methods do work for women suffering like us. I think it is a matter of trying everything you can until you find what is right for you.
    As several things can affect hormones/pmt including medications,fibroids and ovarian cysts,it is best that before you do start to try various things,see a gynae specialist and have a pelvic ultrasound to see what is going on with your lady parts.
    I went to an amazing specialist and he helped me so much.The beginnings of Menopause with its decrease in oestrogen was my savior.The pill the Dr had me on was preventing menopause!Hopefully it will also decrease the size of my fibroids,which were also causing havoc with my body and hormones every single month.
    My migrains have gone from up to 8 a month to maybe two or less.I now get terrible hot flushes but they are nothing compared to how incredibly bad I used to feel.
    It took me visits to two different specialists before I found one I felt understood me.
    Please never feel you are alone because there are so many people who come here to visit who really love you. Not just because you give us a laugh, but because what we have seen of you through your words,makes us love you as a person.
    As a friend who understands and is understood.Xx

    • Thank you so much Deb, I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this too! I went off the pill due to PMT & migraines. Tried Implanon but that was a disaster. Not on anything now. Very few migraines now but the PMT is worse.
      Roll on menopause LOL
      xxxxxx

  3. Thanks so much for sharing M. I struggle with staying connected and am often accused of pushing people away when really I need them more than ever.
    Now when I see myself slipping, I take steps to that ensure I don’t go too far.
    Stay strong, stay close.

  4. Hormones have a lot to answer for, don’t they? I have always had shocking periods for my entire life. Being pregnant was actually the one time when I didn’t turn into a Wicked Witch every month. Almost a good reason to have another baby. ALMOST.

    I’ve tried implanon too and it was fine but after my mother had a breast cancer scare I decided that I didn’t need anything foreign in my body. Hubby had the snip so contraception ceased to be an issue. I’m now at the other end of the scale, where I am literally confined to the couch for two days out of every month, cranky and emotional and dealing with cramping that would fell an elephant. And then there are the migraines. OMG. Just horrendous. I finally went to my gyno in desperation, the upshot of that meeting was putting my uterus on notice. Come Feb next year, it’s coming out. I’m relieved there’s an end in sight.

    Hang in there, Froggie – talk to your doctor, get a referral… you don’t have to put up with feeling like that. And know that we are all here if you need us xxxxxx

  5. Firstly ****HUGS***** there is certain irony that those of us who felt as you did in high school become the “funny” one. Often people will laugh at your jokes rather than you so you find solace in being funny and creating laughter where ever you go….but the person they see isn’t the real you. and they never get that because those people are the superficial ones who don’t matter anyway. The only thing you are left with at the end of the day is you and learning to deal with you is really hard….plus throw in hormones and Oi Vey! (I should have been jewish as I can also do Mum guilt really well)

    But what I am really saying is see it for what it is….if it persists see your doctor. It’s not unusual for your hormones to go a little haywire especially as we get older *cough* change of life *cough* Don’t think you are too young for it….it sneaks up on you when you least expect it…so talk to your doctor….and remember you aren’t alone….we’ve all been there and it sucks.

    Try Evening Primrose Oil 🙂

  6. Why is it all the coolest people were bullied at school? (Like me :)) I was lucky in that I usually had a few friends, which kept me from completely cracking up, not that they always stepped up when shit was happening, and sometimes they even joined in. It was that kind of world.

    To be fair, it was also just a very violent environment and we all got a shot at having the shit booted out of us – physically, verbally, whatever. But my fate was generally worse (particularly in primary) as I was usually pleasant, mostly well mannered and could use words of more than two syllables. In Scumville these were not qualities that were admired and respected. I remember the first time I read Lord of the Flies – I knew within 2 lines that Piggy had had his chips. He would have lasted 5 minutes in my neighbourhood. I am also quite mad, though at the moment it is mostly under control.

    Have you read about the latest studies on how childhood mistreatment primes the brain for mental illness? This is just one link, have come across quite a few others. Interesting stuff I thought, and a concrete explanation of what I knew anyway: http://www.livescience.com/22017-childhood-mistreatment-mental-illness.html

    Hmm, now I have no idea what my point is when I started this comment and cannot think of a sensible way to end it, so I will go with, great post, you have my sympathies and see you in the soup!

  7. My Sister Outlaw says that PMS is just when we don’t have the wherewithal to deal with other people’s bullshit any more – there is about a week a month when I am firmly in that camp (and V is firmly flying just below the radar).

    I find some months are worse than others, but I haven’t found a cureall as yet.

  8. Sorry to hear you have to go through that every month. PMS and cramps suck. For some reason as I get older my period is getting worse. Just last month I was cranky as anything and the pain was almost unbearable. Feeling depressed and disconnected on top of that makes it suck all that much more. I am lucky thought that mine only lasts a 3-4 days.

    I don’t have any advice unfortunately but I do hope you get some relief soon.

    V.

Speak Your Mind

*