|Not Brendan Coyle pondering how to get vomit out of taupe linen.|
Image from here.
Well I hope you've all had a rip-roaring start to the New Year. I've slowly dragged my reluctant froggy arse into the first working week of my year and it's PAINFUL.
So it was with real delight that I read some snort-inducing, cringe-worthy,
Once I'd wiped my (thank DOG that didn't happen to me) tears of laughter away, I realised that I owed you all some more from my Top Ten Dumb-Arse Moments list. Thank you Alison for your inspiration.
Five - How to cure yourself of a crush (and ensure you're never allowed near expensive furniture again)
About 11 years ago, I was living the exciting life of a 30-something recently-divorced chick working in independent film in London. Which is to say I was working 16 hours a day, 6 days a week, going to the pub a lot, emotionally unstable and generally insane.
The makeup artist on the film had just moved to a new flat, teaming up with an actress. This actress was in a television show at the time with someone who bore a remarkable resemblance to Brendan Coyle. Look him up ladies, he's now in Downton Abbey. At the time, I was rather partial to a bit of Brendan Coyle.
Imagine my excitement when I was invited to their housewarming party.
Imagine the utter squee-inducing delight when I heard that the-actor-who-resembles-Brendan-Coyle-but-is-not-Brendan-Coyle* (let's refer to him as Not Brendan Coyle) might be there.
Imagine the pee-producing combination of joy and terror as I walk in and there is Not Brendan Coyle, in the loungeroom.
Imagine the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed in my nervous/emotional unstable/insane state in order to hide the fact that I was nervous/emotionally unstable and insane.
Now imagine the disappointment when I woke up the next morning, amid a pile of sleeping bodies, to discover that I had drunk so much/something/whatever and then vomited. All. Over. Myself. And a brand new taupe linen couch, apparently.
Imagine the horror when the first words I heard that morning were Not Brendan Coyle saying "Way to throw up all over yourself, Aussie".
This is why I can never watch costume drama again, and flinch at the site of taupe furniture.
6 - Waiter, there's a funeral in my soup
Yes I did go to a fancy cafe in the hills near Melbourne.
Yes I did ask the nice lady all in black for some more coffee.
Yes she was a mourner from the wake that was happening in the private section of the cafe.
Yes I am going to hell.
7 - PT Barnum is still an arsehole
If you've been following the PT Barnum story here and here, you'll know that we've been hosting a slightly unwelcome roof visitor lately. As a result we bought a possum box and my partner kindly nailed it to a tree in our back yard.
Apparently trees and ladders aren't designed for people shaped like me.**
"I know," I thought optimistically, "I'll pop up the ladder and add the leaves and some banana to the box to entice PT in and make him so comfy he never wants to hang out in our lumpy old ceiling ever again!"
"I know," I thought, again with remarkable positivity, "I'll just go a bit higher and climb into the tree so I can reach".
"I know," I thought with mild annoyance, "I'll just waggle myself around a bit; I'm sure I can un-wedge myself from this position and get further into this tree".
"I know," I thought with admirable calm, "I'll just wait for my partner to notice that I'm firmly wedged via boob and hips between the ladder and this branch, and then he'll send for the fire brigade to cut me free."
"I know," I thought as I finally climbed down from the tree, "I'll just gas that little fucker out of the ceiling and he can go find a possum box in feckin' possum heaven."***
And so the list of my misadventures is growing. Think of it as a community service - humiliating me so you don't have to.
* It was Brendan Coyle.
** For the record, NOTHING in life is designed for people shaped like me.
*** Updated: I am now DEFINITELY going to hell. Three weeks after publishing this, I had to publish this.
What have you done that was deeply embarrassing in front of a famous person?