We’re going to need a bigger bird – welcome to Laugh Link!

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I love nature. I have a thing for nature. No, not in the Cory Bernardi way. In a “wide eyed wonderment at the beauty and majesty of the natural world” way.

Which is a pity, because nature is a mental arsehole.

Take birds, for example.

Even the bird-lovers amongst us have probably been shat on by a bird at some point. Yeah, that’s pretty bad, but, fascinating as their toilet habits are, I want to talk about the propensity of our feathered friends to be utterly mental.

Let me tell you a story. A while back I was walking through the Melbourne central business district, minding my own business, as you do in a central business district, when I felt two little feet suddenly stand on my head. No clawing. No pecking. Just… standing. The creature attached to the claws just stood on my head for a few seconds, and then, as suddenly as it had arrived, it was gone. I looked around and there, standing on the footpath looking back at me, was a magpie lark.

Now, a magpie lark is not an aggressive bird. Mental, stupid and confused by life, but not aggressive.

Unlike real magpies, which are definitely all of the above. Here’s a magpie lark for your eyeball pleasure:

This was one of those miniature magpies they have on the emblem of South Australia. Imagine a normal, aggro, mental bastard magpie, and then wash it at the wrong temperature. You’d think throwing a bird in the wash with your undies wouldn’t improve its temperament, but apparently it does, because instead of making a magpie lark angry, shrinking them into magpie mini-me’s just makes them more mental.

A magpie lark, an otherwise typically functioning member of the Grallina genus, decided to stand on my head while I was walking down the street. Was it tired? Was it confused? Or was it just fucking with me? Did it land on my head with the intention of carrying me off to its nest for leisurely consumption later?

We’re going to need a bigger bird, Frank.

Let’s assume it was tired and see if this hypothesis (cough) flies. You’re a bird, flapping along above Spring Street.

You think “Wow, I’m really quite tired. Now, where can I perch for a moment to catch my breath? Looks like my options are the roof of that building (good, solid, safe, and stationary), or this tree (good, solid, safe, my natural habitat, stationary). Oh wait! There’s a small, dark brown, furry round thing, bobbing along at a brisk five kilometres an hour, weaving from side to side now and then to avoid other furry (and some non-furry) round things. Perfect!”

Is that what went through that mental bird’s mind before it landed on my head? If I fits, I sits?

We’ll never know.

What I do know is that after it flew off, I looked around at my fellow pedestrians for some support.

Did that really happen? Did a bird just fly down, perch on my head, and then, presumably after taking a quick breather and checking the time, fly off again?

I’ve never seen a group of people so intent on looking ahead and not meeting my eye, doing their best Sergeant Schultz impersonations.

Nope, we saw NOTHING. You’re on your own, mental-bird-attracting freak.

I can’t help thinking I heard that bastard mental bird laughing as I walked away.

Has nature ever been mental to you?

Welcome to the first Laugh Link post! Laugh Link is a linkup created by a group of bloggers to provide an outlet for humour writing. The Laugh Link Crew are:

Emily

Have a Laugh on Me
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter

Rachel

Redcliffe Style
Facebook
Twitter

Kimberley

Melbourne Mum
Facebook
Twitter

Alison

Talking Frankly
Facebook
Twitter

Gaynor

Gaynor Alder
Facebook
Twitter

Vanessa

26 Years and Counting
Facebook
Twitter

You’ll see this linkup move around the Laugh Link Crew’s blogs so please feel free to go visit them and explore these seriously funny gals. 
Now it’s your turn! Do you have a funny blog post you’d like to share? There’s no theme this week, so let your imagination go wild. The only requirement to link up? MAKE US CHUCKLE. 
That’s it.
Link away, and don’t forget to have a read of what other people link to – there’s going to be some damn funny stuff!

Comments

  1. That is hilariously hilarious. I can imagine all those people just averting their eyes. I wouldn’t have! I tried to put up a link but I don’t think it worked 🙁 Oh well… I’ll try again later. Great idea for a linky!

  2. Hahaha I can totally imagine a bird going into the wash and then coming out all fluffed up and tiny all cartoon style. This is gold. I wish I had a funny post to link up.

  3. I was once knocked over by a swooping magpie and people couldn’t ignore it because they were laughing so hard…. cheeky buggers. x

  4. God I wish I had seen that!!!!!!
    Looking forward to reading all the linkers during the week. Will save them for when I need a laugh!!

  5. I’ve linked up an old post because my Monday madness aka I must confess post isn’t exactly that funny this week. Looking forward to heading back tonight and doing some blog hopping.

  6. LOVE this! And love the link up idea. Have joined in the fun. Thanks for hosting x

  7. Just found you via the link-up!

    Nature is weird – in all kinds of ways. Some of them funny, some of them scary, some of them mysterious, some of them nonsensical. And occasionally like this, which the way you tell it is all the ways at once?

  8. For some reason seagulls would always crap on my blonde hair. I remember once it happened to me at school and I had a chemistry exam straight after. I got A+ on that exam. I always put it down to being crapped on by a bird because apparently it gives you good luck. Thankfully you didn’t get pooped on your head. 🙂

    • Five Frogs says:

      Yes it could have been worse! Pigeon crapped on my head while I was waiting to go to the theatre in London. No way to get cleaned up. Nice! Thanks for linking up Bec 🙂

  9. Ha!! I did not know there were two types of magpies!!! When I first moved to Aus and ready about the mental magpies in a book, I thought it was a joke! That was until I got attacked one day – holy shit I got the fright of my life. Those birds are the devil I’m sure of it!! xxx

  10. I totally would have taken a photo in the hope it would go viral and I’d be famous – well and you too! A shame it didn’t poo on you too – such a good luck omen 🙂 x

  11. I was always told that magpies were attracted by red hair but I’ve never had one land on my head despite being one. Too funny!

    I’m trying to stop myself from bursting into a Carpenters song….

    • Five Frogs says:

      I think most actual magpies just enjoy killing things. This just wanted to confuse the shit out of me (mission accomplished). Thanks for linking up!

  12. I’ms honestly quite surprised there wasn’t at least one person wetting themselves laughing. If I had seen that I would have been asking for your picture to blog about it!

  13. Love this. Kept me laughing today. I can add one more true story about crazy nature. 11 years ago my then 6yo daughter for bitten by a snake. I raced her to hospital. Meanwhile at home, friends who’d come for lunch were held hostage by a snake and a magpie. Cat chased snake away. Magpie dive bombed my friend who fell flat on my gravel driveway. She hopped in her car and drove away. She’s never been back to our place. Crazy nature scared her too much. True!

  14. kirstyrussell75 says:

    Great linkup idea – nothing like starting off the week off with a laugh. I will join in when I can, I’m not usually a very funny blogger but I look forward to getting a laugh from those who are!

  15. I DESPISE birds, and so (of course) already had a shit bird post ready to go…

    • Five Frogs says:

      I love them. I just don’t like being used as a temporary landing stage. In public. Thanks for linking, lovely! x

  16. Maybe you looked like an awesome pit stop to the bird. 😀 Thanks for hosting!

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  1. […] This post appeared first at Journeys of the Fabulist and was shared as part of Laugh Link at Five Frogs. […]

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