My subconscious has gone AWOL


An arsehole. Image

Brain:    Good morning!

Me:        Ugh.

Brain:    What?

Me:        Why did you have to give me those dreams last night?

Brain:    Which ones? The one about the wedding, or the one about the unicorn?

Me:        You gave me dreams about weddings and unicorns?!

Brain:    Errrrm… No?

Me:        *side eye*

Brain:    That’s physically impossible.

Me:        I know; that’s why I’m telling you I’m doing it. Because I can’t actually look at you.

Brain:    Right.

Me:        You gave me this stupid dream where I was trying to convince a man to get back in contact with his young daughter. Every time I almost got them back together, something happened to ruin it.

Brain:    Yup.

Me:        So what was your point?

Brain:    I don’t understand dreams, I just give them to you.

Me:        Isn’t a dream supposed to be my subconscious trying to tell me things?

Brain:    Sure. But the subconscious isn’t here right now to answer your questions.

Me:        Where is it?

Brain:    I don’t know. I’m not your subconscious’ keeper, you know.

Me:        …

Brain:    …

Me:        Actually you quite literally are.

Brain:    …

Me:        Can you please take a message then?

Brain:    Sure, why not!?

Me:        Gee thanks.

Brain:    You’re welcome!

Me:        So there I was dreaming a confusing dream about a dude and his daughter, when you gave me a nightmare.

Brain:    I would never do that!

Me:        Liar. You did give me a nightmare. You made me dream about SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES. You bastard.

Brain:    That doesn’t sound like me. That was definitely your subconscious.

Me:        You made me dream about shopping for clothes AND IT WAS HORRIBLE.

Brain:    I wondered why you woke up sweating.

Me:        Why do you hate me?

Brain:    I don’t hate you. Maybe your subconscious hates you.

Me:        Well then please pass that message on to my subconscious when it comes back from wherever the hell it’s gone.

Brain:    You’re asking me to tell your subconscious that you hate it? That doesn’t sound healthy to me.

Me:        You started it.

Brain:    Your subconscious started it.

Me:        Bastard.

Brain:    That’s not very nice.

Me:        Arsehole.

Brain:    You seem to be a bit confused about anatomy.

Me:        Ugh.

Does your brain hate you too?

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  1. Oh yes. I have a four recurring dreams (teeth; contact lenses; missing a bus; and flying or airports) but occasionally I have one about ‘love’ and it’s wonderful and I’m contented and happy and then I friggin’ wake up!

  2. There’s your routine right there. Ya funny bugger. x

  3. Yes I think my brain and subconscious hate me as well as I had screwed up dreams last night too. I don’t think I will bother discussing it with my brain though based on this 😉

  4. My husband and I are always wondering why we have such crazy, nonsensical dreams every single night. Hope your brain plays nicely tonight!

  5. Yep I’m with Ali, that’s a good routine, YOU CAN DO IT (standup that is) My id sucks and don’t even get me started on my superego. UGH. Here’s hoping I can shut it up long enough to get to sleep tonight x

  6. At least your brain is located north of your navel and you can have a conversation. Mine sadly has a one track mind with a single recurring dream … You can fill in the blanks

    • Five Frogs says:

      LOL oh Mark I definitely wouldnt want a “below the waist” aspect to the types of dreams I have. You’re right!

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