Winter is coming but the cold never bothered me anyway – Game of Thrones Giveaway Winner Announced

ERMAHGERD! Is the pigeon not cooked, Gary?!{image}

ERMAHGERD! That pigeon is raw, Gary! {image}

I’d always suspected you were all in equal parts twisted and hilarious.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been running a great competition to give away a box set of Game of Thrones books by George R R Martin, thanks to Bookworld. To win, all you had to do was suggest the weirdest predictions for Season 5 of the television series.

I set you quite a challenge but SEVEN HELLS you all stepped up and went beyond the call of duty. I’ve had a very difficult time choosing between them all. Thank you (I think) so much for dropping by and allowing me a quick peek inside your truly beautiful and crazy heads.

Before I announce the winner, I’d like to share some of the themes that surfaced.

Seems like you’re very interested in making GoT a musical, possibly cabaret, or perhaps a Disney movie.

Yes I know winter is coming but the cold never bothered me anyway.

Many of you are obsessed with Jon Snow and if you can’t have him, you want the Mother of Dragons to.

Several of you wanted to see a mash-up of Harry Potter and GoT which I think someone really should get on to.

I recommend that you go look at all the comments because every one is brilliant, but here are some of my favourites:

  1. “Jon becomes head of the Night’s Watch and his first decree as commander is that black is sooooo last year, so he orders new pink uniforms for everyone, with a matching tiara for himself.” – Mitchell Osmond
  2. “All the boy actors get together to do a Broadway number with high kicking, top hats and tails while the girls perform synchronise swim routines, always smiling in the swamp. While this is happening the dragon creature sings “Puff the magic dragon” while the little dwarf guy paints his nails.” – Mark Downey
  3. “Bran takes over Hodor’s mind again and gets stuck. Unable to transfer back to his own body he begins his new life as Whoredor, working long nights at Littlefinger’s brothel until he catches the eye of Loras Tyrell.” – Alesha Martyn
  4. “We watch a “White Wedding” episode; Billy Idol makes a cameo” – Ed
  5. “Varys and Tyrion sail to Mereen and Varys hangs out with Grey Worm and share gelding stories. Tyrion realises he’s actually a Replicant and only has six hours to live.” – JuzzyTribune
  6. “It’s revealed Joffrey was actually killed by raw pigeon meat leaving Masterchef judges aghast.” – Joe Crisafulli
  7. “Danaerys finally discovers that kittens are a lot easier to manage than dragons, and changes her title to ‘Mother of Kittehs’. The people of Mereen are understandably confused by this, but are on the whole grateful that they’ll escape being turned into crispy critters. Drogon, however, is not impressed at all, and launches a campaign against his former mistress to win back her love. His idea of ‘love tokens’, though, is somewhat bloodthirsty – and there’s only so much well-done goat that one woman can eat.” – The Conscience Vote

The competition was fierce and I whittled it down to two very, very good contenders. One deserved to win for sheer oddness, the other on epic punnage and the sheer volume of their predictions. I wish I had two sets of books to give away!

In second place, winning a smug sense of accomplishment and a virtual pat on the back, is Andrew Mc, who gave us this punny prediction (and about 10 others – go check them all out):

“Rumours of Shae’s death have reached her father, Lord Butters, back in Lorath. With his mind churning, he immediately instructs one of his spies, Mar Jarine, to travel to King’s Landing to confirm or debunk the rumours. Mar Jarine wastes no time spreading himself around King’s Landing.”

Which leaves this winning prediction from Sue Knight, who wins the box set of books and membership to the smug I’VE READ THE BOOKS SO I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN club:

“The Hound is sent to obedience school and after weeks of Walkies with the Walkers, he returns with a full poodle makeover.”

And now I want to see that in Season 5. Who do I need to talk to, to make that happen?

Congratulations, Sue, I will be in touch about delivering your books!

Thanks again for entering, lovely ones. If you didn’t win, fear not, you can still buy the set here. It’s going to be a long nine months until the next season, after all…

A Game of Thrones Giveaway!

PLEASE NOTE THIS COMPETITION IS NOW CLOSED.
HOWEVER YOU’RE WELCOME TO KEEP COMMENTING WITH YOUR PREDICTIONS (you beautiful, crazy freaks)

Hi my darlings. Did you watch the last episode of Game of Thrones Season 4 this week?

ER. MER. GHERD. Happy Fathers Day!

If you haven’t, then back away slowly and only return once you have; spoilers, sweetie.

I’ve read the books, and I had concerns about Season 4, but now I can’t wait to see how they deal with everything in Season 5. Are you a member of the smug I’VE READ THE BOOKS SO I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN club yet? No? Then I have a brilliant competition for you.

The Frog has partnered with Bookworld to give away a box set of all seven of the Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire) books by George R R Martin. You can see the set here – RRP is $99.99 so this is a brilliant chance to get all those dragons, Brothers of the Night’s Watch, wenches, Unsullied, incest, weddings and murders, for free. And murders at weddings. And the occasional murder.

Did I mention there might be some murder?

All you have to do is leave a comment below*, giving me your wildest, craziest, silliest predictions for what we’ll see in Season 5. Entries will be open from publication of this post until Friday 4 July. The Frog (that’s me) will choose the funniest, most outrageous theory and that person will win the books.

Easy.

I already own the books (did I mention the I’VE READ THE BOOKS SO I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN club?) but I do have some of my own Season 5 theories, based on how much the series has diverged from the books already. My theories** are:

  • Arya and the Hound (who miraculously recovers from his injuries) get married. No guesses about who dies at THAT wedding.
  • Ramsay Snow/Bolton marries Theon. It’s about time Westeros got into the marriage equality thing.
  • The Mountain won’t be mount’en anyone in the future (sorry).
  • Sansa will make Robin fly (oh god please yes make that little creep FLY mummy).
  • Fighters will learn to wear fricken helmets.
  • Jon Snow will finally know something***.

So put your thinking caps on, and leave a comment below. Hop to it. Winter is coming.

What are your wildest, craziest, silliest predictions for what we’ll see in Season 5?

* You must be an Australian resident to enter. Multiple entries are OK.

** These are not theories. They are wild conjecture based on my fetid imagination and warped sense of humour.

*** Actually I think that one’s  too unlikely even for my imagination. As if.

Has Game of Thrones jumped, raped and murdered the shark?

ERMAHGERD! Season 4 sucks arse! {image}

ERMAHGERD! Season 4 sucks arse! {image}

SPOILERS, SWEETIE.

If you haven’t watched Season 4 Episode 4 of Game of Thrones, ABORT ABORT ABORT. Read no farther. Go water your garden, or have a nice cup of tea. Have a bit of a pillage and burn (but remember to pillage BEFORE you burn, yo). Or better still, go watch Season 4 Episode 4 and then come back and read this.

I love Game of Thrones with the irrational passion of a typical historical fantasy fan. If you know any of those rarefied creatures, then you know that’s a LOT of passion. I watch it diligently. I defend it publicly. I am a big, big fan.

The first three seasons of Game of Thrones (let’s call it GoT from now on, because I’m a lazy wench), was filled to the brim with a tasty ale of smart storytelling, (mostly) excellent acting, and a fair serving of delicious, provocative shocks, especially for someone like me, who hadn’t read the books*.

Now we come to the fourth season and this previously cold, frosty and enjoyable tankard of pillage, violence and death is starting to give me indigestion. I’m starting to greet each episode with equal measures of passion and unease.

Let’s put aside the differences between the books and the television series. It would be completely unreasonable to expect the producers to be able to take 96 bazillion pages of book, with 7,641 major characters, and 12 major locations, and convert all that to meaningful narrative for television, without cutting some pretty massive corners. (Let’s also put aside, for now, that the fourth season has cut so many corners that the show is in danger of becoming round.)

This season, I expected the usual serving of incest, violence, murder, sex, dragons and, of course, boobs. I haven’t been disappointed in that. There have been provocations aplenty, not to mention a lot of violence involving fowl. Between being sliced open in pies and eaten to violent extreme by The Hound, birds aren’t doing so well this season. Oh and Joffrey was murdered too.

AT LAST. What a turd.

I’m am disappointed, though. Where previous seasons have stalked slowly through the plot, sprinkling humour amongst the casually-examined graphic sex and violence, this season seems fractured and rushed. I’ve read the books and I’m still going WHO? WHAT? WHO WAS THAT? WHAT’S GOING ON?

Then there’s the laziness of the writing. Perhaps I wouldn’t be as disappointed, had the earlier writing been less clever. Scenes apropos of nothing that proceed with “Oh where could Bran be? Could he be at Craster’s Keep?”, then cut to Bran, 50 metres from Craster’s Keep, then cut to the head of the Night’s Watch conveniently telling them they could now have their trip to – you guessed it – Craster’s Keep, leave me rolling my eyes and wondering whether the work experience kid was the only person in the Writer’s Room that day.

As for the scenes inside Craster’s Keep, the less said the better. I couldn’t decide whether I needed to scrub my brain afterwards, or laugh my head off. Did the writers have a competition that week to see who could get the most c@nts into the script (and onto the screen)?

That scene was truly horrible, and brazenly calculated to titillate – revolting, even by GoT standards. The set-up is clear – we’re meant to hate these people with every fibre of our televisual beings, so we’ll cheer when Jon and his Black Brothers march in and eviscerate, behead and generally maul them all to death with monotonous predictability (and very sharp swords). Yawn.

It was lazy, lazy writing that left me feeling manipulated.

Bloody work experience kid**.

Where has the humour gone this season? In earlier seasons, the clever opportunities for a smile to balance out the horror were regular and plentiful. Littlefinger’s calm menace, always just one languidly arched eyebrow this side of a coma, has always been worth a giggle, but even the outrageous under-acting of the evil stud muffin could do nothing to save this episode.

So here I am, waiting for Episode 5. The books are far more graphic than the series, but until now I’ve been able to trust the show to be smart and provocative without being manipulative or crass. After Episode 4, I don’t trust it anymore. I don’t trust them to slow down and move through the storylines in the necessary depth to do them justice. I don’t trust them not to present another episode like Oathkeeper (or as I’ve come to call it, Audience-Breaker).

I love this show. I don’t want it to turn to shit, but if it continues like this, I won’t be wondering which Stark will be the next to get it in the neck, or whether Arya will end up on the throne of Westeros.

I’ll be wishing winter would hurry the fuck up.

* I have now

** Who is clearly a 14 year old boy.

Do you think Game of Thrones Season 4 has gone to the dogs?

I’m linking up with Laugh Link again this week. If you fancy a giggle, check out these other funny posts, and link up if you like – new or old posts, as long as they’re funny, weird or kooky!

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Laugh Link is nearly here – are you ready?

Laugh_Link_smaller
Hello darling Frog-Lovers. Do you blog? Do you have a funny post ready for Monday’s Laugh Link, premiering here on the LilyPad?

Yes?

No?

Better get on it!

In the meantime, here are the two funniest videos I’ve seen in… well, possibly forever.
From the Honest Trailer geniuses, here are the Honest Trailers for my two favourite TV shows. One that’s about to start its new season, and the other that has, alas, gone.

I hope they make your day like they did mine.

BEWARE SPOILERS

Frog of Pond, if you don’t mind. Click here for a history test with dragons. And boobs.

Click on this one to see decapitated turtle bombs and roof pizza. Mmmmmm roof pizza. And Malcolm’s dad.

The night is dark and full of the sound of me cackling

GoT Heading

Are you desperate for the new season of Game of Thrones?

Are you hanging out for a Tyrion fix?

Is the night dark and full of terrors, especially when you remember that we have to wait until March next year for Season 4?

Yes?

Then go have a quick toilet break, and come back and click on the video below. It had me cackling out loud on public transport (COLOPT).

My only question is WHERE IS BRONN?

You’re welcome. And remember, while you’re waiting, trust toothpaste, keep working on that gravity belt, beware tube socks and remember to eat shrimps when you meet the Evil Studmuffin. Don’t be a lazy farmer and for god’s sake DON’T EAT THE KITTEN MEAT.