Hello? Is there anybody out there?

Hi Frog Lovers. It’s been (counts the months/years on her fingers) quite some time since I last wrote here. I’m going to be here more often in the near future, I promise! I have loads to tell you.

Alcoholic beverages may be required. Yes for you too.

Five Frogs Blog

Do you have any requests? Any types of animals you’d like me to write about? If so, let me know in the comments.

In the meantime, here are a few of the frog’s best bits since I started writing here on the lily pad. I hope you enjoy them.

My Top Ten dumb-arse moments of all time (from August 2012)

Would you change your sex, if you could never change back again? (from May 2013)

Conversations with my brain: And then my Basal Ganglia went on strike (from March 2013)

Conversations with my brain: Tarsiers on crack (from November 2012)

And finally, we discover that the real reason women drink at the races is not because they’re keenly aware that they’re standing ankle-deep in mud while freezing in expensive-but-now-rain-soaked cocktail dresses in order to take part in an outdated social ritual based on animal cruelty. It’s to dull the pain of being slowly devoured by their ridiculously impractical head-wear. A revelation that will change human history (AKA you and your spermatophores are going home alone) (from August 2012)

I’m back, baby. Watch this space.


My subconscious has gone AWOL


An arsehole. Image

Brain:    Good morning!

Me:        Ugh.

Brain:    What?

Me:        Why did you have to give me those dreams last night?

Brain:    Which ones? The one about the wedding, or the one about the unicorn?

Me:        You gave me dreams about weddings and unicorns?!

Brain:    Errrrm… No?

Me:        *side eye*

Brain:    That’s physically impossible.

Me:        I know; that’s why I’m telling you I’m doing it. Because I can’t actually look at you.

Brain:    Right.

Me:        You gave me this stupid dream where I was trying to convince a man to get back in contact with his young daughter. Every time I almost got them back together, something happened to ruin it.

Brain:    Yup.

Me:        So what was your point?

Brain:    I don’t understand dreams, I just give them to you.

Me:        Isn’t a dream supposed to be my subconscious trying to tell me things?

Brain:    Sure. But the subconscious isn’t here right now to answer your questions.

Me:        Where is it?

Brain:    I don’t know. I’m not your subconscious’ keeper, you know.

Me:        …

Brain:    …

Me:        Actually you quite literally are.

Brain:    …

Me:        Can you please take a message then?

Brain:    Sure, why not!?

Me:        Gee thanks.

Brain:    You’re welcome!

Me:        So there I was dreaming a confusing dream about a dude and his daughter, when you gave me a nightmare.

Brain:    I would never do that!

Me:        Liar. You did give me a nightmare. You made me dream about SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES. You bastard.

Brain:    That doesn’t sound like me. That was definitely your subconscious.

Me:        You made me dream about shopping for clothes AND IT WAS HORRIBLE.

Brain:    I wondered why you woke up sweating.

Me:        Why do you hate me?

Brain:    I don’t hate you. Maybe your subconscious hates you.

Me:        Well then please pass that message on to my subconscious when it comes back from wherever the hell it’s gone.

Brain:    You’re asking me to tell your subconscious that you hate it? That doesn’t sound healthy to me.

Me:        You started it.

Brain:    Your subconscious started it.

Me:        Bastard.

Brain:    That’s not very nice.

Me:        Arsehole.

Brain:    You seem to be a bit confused about anatomy.

Me:        Ugh.

Does your brain hate you too?

I’m linking up with Laugh Link again this week. Click on the button below to read some hilarious bits of bloggery. I dare you.


A Valentine’s Day Poem

A romantic pome

Do you celebrate St Valentine’s Day, or do you think it’s a crock of shit?

WtFW – What the Fuck Wednesday – No 1

In the spirit of Wordless Wednesday and Thankful Thursday, I’m starting a linky thingummyjig.

OK not in the spirit of those because THOSE linky memes are sweet and nice and wholesome and don’t include swearing.

Let’s try that again.

In the spirit of Lose Your Shit Friday(thank you Miss Cinders for that wonderful chance to rant and generally SWEAR AT EVERYTHING THAT’S SHITTING YOU RIGHT NOW let your hair down), I’m starting a linkfest of epically snazbig proportions.

It’s called What the Fuck Wednesday (WtFW) and it’s your chance to share moments from the week that have made you:



Or generally throw your head back and cry out in a desperate plea to the universe – WHYYY??????

Here’s my first What the Fuck Wednesday post.*

What the fuck was I thinking?

This week I may or may not have risen from my bed without first inserting my brain. Yes, I am the winningest at putting half a face full of blusher on before I realised. I thought I was putting on mineral foundation. Further proof that I’m not a beauty blogger, and that I shouldn’t be allowed out. Of bed.

What the fuck were they thinking?

 Hedge trimming; you’re doing it wrong.

What the fuck colour was I supposed to wear this week?

This week saw several extremely worthy causes request our participation in a variety of colour-themed clothing days. Actually that should be day, because three happened at once.

There was white for survivors of child abuse, purple for LGBT youth and green for bilbies. All these causes are meaningful to me (I love those long-nosed furry little fuckers**) but if I wear all these at once I’m going to end up wearing the colour “vomit”.

I can’t see any cause wanting to claim that one.
Cause organisers: please check what else is happening on your colour day, or choose something else.

Like “wear blusher as foundation” day to support adults with ADD. (Cough). Problem solved.

What the fuck is he holding?

This photo appeared on my screen a couple of weeks ago. I have a small screen, and the photo is clearly designed for a larger screen. I think it’s an ad for furniture. Is it just me, or does it look like he’s cheerfully holding a gun to her head?

Let me know if you own this image.
Note to ad agency: FAIL

Just me?

Alrighty then.

Here are the rules for What the Fuck Wednesday:

1.       THERE ARE NO RULES***

2.       On Wednesdays****, blog about what’s made you go What the Everloving FUCK???? discombobulated you that week.

3.       Steal the What the Fuck Wednesday button from my sidebar, and stick it on your sidebar or in your post.

4.       Use the link below to link up to your What the Fuck Wednesday post (not just a link to your homepage).

5.       Pop over to everyone else who’s linked up, read, and go WTF! with them in their comments.*****


* Yes I KNOW it’s Monday today. What part of Rule 1 above did you not get?! Oh wait, you haven’t read that far yet. As you were.

** Bilbies. I’m referring to the bilbies. WTF were YOU thinking I meant?

*** Actually there are 5 rules. Maybe 4. WTF?

**** For Wednesdays, read “whatever day of the week it lands on the blog”. See Rule 1 above.

***** Have I finally managed to make the footnotes longer than the post? WIN!